Prologue

The dramatic line to open this blog would say that my struggle with chronic pain drove me to the ends of the earth - to war zones, distant himalayan peaks, and isolated wilderness retreats - sometimes escaping, sometimes seeking. The substance of that statement is true, but the narrative is not. Those things happened, but they happened in the way life does, unfolding without a real-time thematic arc.

What is true is that I was a healthy, athletic, young-twenty-something, and then I wasn’t. My life became consumed by physical (and eventually emotional) pain. And this blog is about my ongoing journey to reclaim my life and sense of self. Or maybe even something beyond reclaim, we’ll see....

I’m launching this blog because....

1. After what felt like an unending journey through channels of human suffering and pain, I feel like if I do beat this shit - I don’t want to waste all the “knowledge”-- the baggage of healing theories and hypothesis and connections and epiphanies that have accumulated along the way. I want a log, so I can look back and say: “this here, this is what happened to me,” because I certainly don’t have the language yet, or the quick explanation to appease curious acquaintances.
2. Selfishly, I want catharsis. I want to disinfect my experiences from the emotions and pain that coat each memory.
3. The indignant part of me feels it shouldn’t have been this hard - I shouldn’t have suffered so long - it shouldn’t have taken this long for me to approach a framework of my condition that makes sense, and a road to recovery. The compassionate part of me agrees, and is compelled to chronicle my own compass-less bushwhack through the medical system, if only to save others a desperate google search, looking for a way to heal themselves. Because desperation is what most characterized my journey - the feeling that there were no answers, or worse, there were answers, and I’d never arrive at them. And that’s one of the most terrible feelings I’ve known.

[I am soaking my lower legs in warm water with epsom salt and baking soda as I compile this post. It’s a new ritual aimed at improving circulation. Just one of many ways I’m trying to beat this thing....more on that to come]